Uzi Jesus

Uzi Jesus, or Heyzoos, is an eighth-floor card totem depicting an armed parody of Jesus. He combines ranged fire, healing, and totem resurrection with chronic disobedience; later appearances include a fusion-derived state, a Gold Edition summon, and a toy counterpart whose continuity with the original is not established. (Chapters 243–332, 393, 429–493)

Biography

The Eighth Floor and Bedlam

Donut obtains the card as part of her developing deck and summons Heyzoos from a cross with a seventy-five-second timer. He is powerful enough to provide ranged damage and healing, but he follows orders only inconsistently, lies about his failures, and refuses to resurrect Geraldo during training despite possessing the spell. His behavior forces Donut to treat control as a greater limitation than raw statistics. (Chapters 243, 248–250, 260)

In combat, his apparently inexhaustible Uzi damages Shi Maria even while she impales and disarms him, demonstrating both durability and poor team compatibility. Donut later combines his card with Asojano, producing a distinct fusion that inherits much of both totems' skill sets. Because the original cards are consumed or altered by that process, later Heyzoos appearances cannot be assumed to represent unchanged card custody. (Chapters 248–250, 279, 332)

Faction Wars at Larracos

During Faction Wars, Uzi Jesus emerges from gore as a glowing Gold Edition with two gold-plated guns. He attacks Quan with projectiles that behave more like repeated stings than ordinary bullets, then disappears with Asojano when the encounter ends. The scene confirms renewed temporary access but does not explain whether this is restoration of the original card, a system-generated variant, or another copy. (Chapter 393)

The Parade of Horribles

A small Robot Uzi Jesus later appears as a Veriluxx companion and attaches himself to Eris. He converses, fires a popping toy gun, reads aura-like soul swirls under Eris's instruction, and helps her perform a coin toss. This figure remains beside her near the endpoint, but his plastic construction and product behavior distinguish him from the Level 140 totem; shared speech and appearance do not prove shared consciousness. (Chapters 429, 493)

Appearance and personality

The card totem is a barefoot human man in a white robe and red sash, with flowing brown hair, a floating golden halo, and an Uzi. He first arrives nailed to a cross, then breaks free. The Gold Edition glows and carries twin gold-plated Uzis. The toy is a miniature plastic likeness with its halo fixed by wire. Across forms he is profane, boastful, distractible, dishonest, and childishly contrary, making him comic but operationally unreliable. (Chapters 243–250, 393, 429)

Skills, class, and abilities

Ranged fire and card duration

The Level 140 totem fires an Uzi that does not visibly run out of ammunition during demonstrations. His initial summon lasts seventy-five seconds and has a reported Constitution of 200. The Gold Edition gains two guns and a burst of golden light, although he immediately loses one through careless handling. Timers, deck rules, disarming attacks, and poor compliance all limit the value of his firepower. (Chapters 243, 248–250, 393)

Healing, resurrection, and utility slots

Heyzoos can heal and use Resurrect Totem, returning a defeated allied totem with a reset timer and cleared buffs or debuffs. He has seven utility-card slots. These mechanics make him a powerful support piece, but activation depends on his cooperation; Donut repeatedly knows he can perform the requested resurrection and cannot make him do it on demand. (Chapters 243, 249–250, 332)

Fusion and toy-derived perception

Combining his card with Asojano creates a new totem with many inherited skills, but the result is a separate composite rather than proof that Uzi Jesus personally masters Asojano's abilities. The toy counterpart can perceive colored swirls in souls or auras after Eris's teaching, while its gun produces only small pops. That perception belongs to the later toy state and should not be projected backward onto the original card. (Chapters 332, 429, 493)

Relationships

• Donut: Donut summons and trains the original totem, but his lying and refusal to obey make their deckmaster relationship adversarial. (Chapters 243–260)
• Asojano: The two are powerful, difficult undead cards later combined into a composite state. Both also reappear together during the Quan encounter. (Chapters 250, 332, 393)
• Eris: The toy counterpart becomes Eris's companion and student, helping her observe souls and perform a supposedly neutral coin toss. (Chapters 429, 493)

Items

No personal item link is assigned to Uzi Jesus in the current manifest. His Uzi, Gold Edition guns, halo, and card are components of his summoned or toy forms rather than separately assigned inventory artifacts. (Chapters 243, 393, 429)